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Jokes
Bill Gates' Wedding Night

Right after the wedding, in bed, in a fancy hotel, Mr. and Mrs. Bill Gates
decided to name the new company together.

Mrs. Gates: How about we name it after your penis?

BILL: Why the hell would we do that?

Mrs. Gates: Oh, I don't know. I always did like the name Microsoft.

Get shocked when connected to Internet

This is a true story from a place where I used to work...

A man called in to tech support for his internet service and explained to
the technician that everytime he got on the Internet, he got shocked. The
tech first thought that maybe he was just surprised, but the man actually
meant he was SHOCKED. The tech and the man troubleshoot for a little over
an hour to try and find out what the problem was. Finally the man told the
tech that everytime I get on the Internet, I get shocked...when I lick
the monitor with pictures of nude women. Needless to say the tech had to
disconnect the call because he was laughing too much to continue the
conversation.

MS-Condome

When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants Sun
Micro, SCO (UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them
Java-condo, CondomiX, and MS-Condome respectively. A customer using
Java-condo complained to Sun that the condom doesn't fit correctly. Sun
replied, "Wait till we get the ISO standard." They boasted that it would
fit to any size irrespective of underlying structure.

Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he
finishes reading the instructions, given along with CondomiX, his wife
sleeping and he forgetting why he is using CondomiX.

Finally he switched to MS-Condome. To his surprise it was so good...and
comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later he found that his wife
was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got his reply
from Microsoft:

A patch is coming soon..!

New errors for Windows 2000

1.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3.Press ANY key to continue or ANY OTHER key to quit.
4.Bad command or file name! GO stand in the corner.
5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
7.This is a message from Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
12.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
13.User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient Replace user
14.Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)
AND ONE that really should be included.

15.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? and change to system that doesn't carsh (Y/N)"

Acronyms

ACRONYM Abbreviated Coded Rendition Of Name Yielding Meaning
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's (first) Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Moft

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.

What does "95" stand for in Windows 95?

1.The number how may times it will crash an hour.
2.The number of seconds before it crashes.
3.The number of floppy disks you it will ship on.
4.The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
5.The number of Megs at least needed for installation
6.The number of Fast Installation Help pages in the manual
7.The number of hours needed to install it
8.The percentage of existing Windows programs that won't run under Windows 95
9.The number of calls to Micro's support hot line, before you manage to run it
10.The number of people who really buy it.
11.The number of MHz, your computer at least needs to run it
12.The year, it should be released
13.The number of zeros on the end of Bill Gate's paycheck

Windows Source code

* Collection Of Windows Jokes - Windows 95 Source Code */

/*
Index
Jokes ENG
Jokes GER
Short Stories
Songs
95 ?
Pictures
Fun Errors
Real Errors
Links ENG
Links GER
*/

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)

Projected release-date:
Summer 1994, Spring 1995

*/

#include
#include
#include
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"

/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99281-95 from:
William H. Gates III
to:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project

William H. Gates III wrote:
"I have seriouu doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition. It
might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
_good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.

Carry on,
God Bill
"
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99683-95 from:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to:
William H. Gates III

Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
"Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code within the
'if'-statement will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in
the final code. This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of
consumer-diskspace!

Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
"
*/

/*
if(still_not_crashed)
{
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/

create_general_protection_fault();
}

/*
Index
Jokes ENG
Jokes GER
Short Stories
Songs
95 ?
Pictures
Fun Errors
Real Errors
Links ENG
Links GER
*/

Other jokes
I'll update this section when I have time...